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Coltonium, a rare element recently discovered by intrepid scientists stylishly attired in Mod-era miniskirts and multi-colored maryjanes, imbues anyone handling it with an ability to remember obscure song lyrics from the 1980s, expertly navigate the P call number series in any library using Libray of Congress classifications, and whip up small scale collages to adorn mix CDs in the blink of an eye. In other words, to excel at things that are essentially pointless, but to do so with panache. Conversely, it also renders all those who come in contact with it unable to easily discern left from right or perform simple mathematical computations;its most frightening side effects include a tendency to fall prey to a vast array of fears, ranging from spiders to stepladders, and to see faces peering out of wallpaper patterns without the aid of hallucinogenic drugs.

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